The Stagnation of Professor Marmaduke Applejuice
by Amadelia
Summary: The sequel to Never Mess With a Weasley: Ron meets many unlikely surprises, as Fleur shows up as a professor engaged to her old beau Roger Davies, and Professor Marmaduke Applejuice the 324th arrives also...


The Stagnation of Professor Marmaduke Applejuice the 324th  
  
Disclaimer: Characters are NOT MINE-except for Kupali, Amourial, Laera, and Freya...*yay*...  
  
By Laera  
  
Ron walked down the hallway at a moderate pace, still looking for girls who liked him for more than his big feet. Ever since the episode with Pansy, the news of his feet had spread quite quickly, making him uneasy about how easy it had become to get a girlfriend. Not to say that the fling with that Ravenclaw was horrible, he did learn a lot about female anatomy and her personal topography, but Ron was starting to feel as if he wanted a more serious relationship.  
  
The fact that he was also late for Potions class was at the back of his mind, his current endeavor seemed much more important to him.  
  
He only remembered that he even had Potions class when Harry came running up to him, looking like Hagrid had given Snape a pet manticore for Christmas.  
  
"Snape's gotten a makeover, eh?" he asked Harry, trying to figure out why he looked so freaked. "Dear , dear, it's a shame when he ruins his complexion with all that eyeliner. I think that games such as that wizarding version of YM Makeover Magic should be outlawed." "Actually, it's not that, though I definitely agree," Harry said in an urgent tone. "But we have a new teacher and going into the Potions classroom would be like going on a suicide mission."  
  
Ron continued walking towards the classroom, ignoring Harry. For all he knew, someone hot like- "It's not Fleur, so I advise that you stop now before you get yourself into something more dangerous than being Voldemort's guinea pig." Ron flinched, and stopped. "Don't use his name!" Ron said, his usual response to whatever Harry said. "And how did you know I was thinking about Fleur?"  
  
"Ron, you're so bloody promiscuous but at the same time there are some things that never change." Harry said. "But anyway, it's not her, and if you value your life, run as far from this place as you possibly can. Run far, far away from Kansas, Toto. There's a twister and it may get us all!" Ron snorted in Harry's general direction, and boldly walked into the Potions room.  
  
What he saw made him want to spew. Not S.P.E.W., but actually spew.  
  
"Oops, left my books in the common room, gotta run!" he said as he turned and ran as far away from Kansas as he possibly could up to where Harry sat, busy being quite worried about Ron's sanity.  
  
"WHY IN BLOODY HELL IS GILDEROY LOCKHART IN THE POTIONS CLASSROOM? YOU CAN'T SERIOUSLY TELL ME HE'S TEACHING THE CLASS! THIS IS INSANE! TOTAL BLOODY MADNESS! DON'T TELL ME HE'S REPLACING SNAPE! OH, THE PURE HORROR! EVEN THOSE FUCKED UP MUGGLES OZZY OSBOURNE AND MARTHA STEWART WOULD BE AN IMPROVEMENT FROM LOCKHART! AAAACCCCCCCKKKKK!" Ron collapsed on a bench in front of a painting of a group of prissy witches in ridiculous gowns who looked thoroughly shocked and held their intricate lace fans to their faces for protection.  
  
Harry squatted down in front of Ron, hands clasped together, a pose not unlike a reproductive counselor.  
  
"Remember when Dumbledore told Snape and Sirius that there were some things they had to do?" he asked gently as Ron continued to spazz and open and close his mouth without much purpose.  
  
Harry took this as a yes. "Well, I spied on Dumbledore and the rest of the faculty, and it turns out that Snape was sent to hang out with the Death Eaters again but work again as a spy for Dumbledore. This means that since Sirius rounded up Ms. Figgs, Professor Lupin, and everyone else to do some top secret work, there was nobody else around to teach us in Snape's place other than Lockhart who now believes his name to be Marmaduke Applejuice the 324th," Harry searched Ron's face to see if these words meant anything to him. Ron's face was still blank, but extremely white and looking like a vampire had just sucked him dry.  
  
Harry decided that telling him the negative things that were going on wouldn't help Ron much, so he decided to tell him some more negative things so that he might be so pissed that he may come back to life.  
  
"And Fleur is now engaged to Roger Davies, although nobody is quite sure how that'll work out since she seems too strong-willed, so-"  
  
"WHAT?!" Harry's method had worked. "AS IF MY LIFE COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE! JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THAT SHE'D BE THE ONE TO HELP ME GET LAID THIS WEEK, SHE HAS TO GO AND GET ENGAGED! WHO GAVE HER THE BLOODY RIGHT? WHO? WHO I ASK YOU?" Ron slammed his fist down on the bench with such force that he cracked it and fell right through. "WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT! DAMN HER! DAMN YOU! DAMMIT ALL! DAMN-" Ron fell into a dead faint. Harry sighed, and conjured up a stretcher to deliver his friend to the Hospital Ward.  
  
Ron woke up to someone massaging his fevered brow. He wanted to open his eyes, but whoever it was shushed him gently and put a lukewarm wet washcloth over his eyes. Ah. Madam Pomfrey, he thought, until the washcloth was taken from his eyes and he could open them.  
  
It was Lavender and Professor Delacour. Also known as Fleur.  
  
Hmmm...I know these people, thought Ron. One is pretty and the other is drop dead gorgeous. I'd probably fall sick and go insane for this girl. Hmmm...I wonder who they are? And who is this kid with an extremely ugly scar on his head? Isn't he famous? No, nobody could be famous with such a disgusting mar on their forehead. Ron smiled. I hope I don't have one of those. But I don't think I do. Maybe the gorgeous girl will like me. Hey, did she just touch me in a pleasant spot? Maybe I should make a groaning noise!  
  
So he did.  
  
Fleur and Lavender looked at him pityingly, then looked at each other, making soft tutting noises. Harry looked at him and snorted. It wasn't every day that your friend was interfering with himself and acting as if this would win the heart of the love of his life. Harry hoped that for Ron's sake Madam Pomfrey was too busy to notice.  
  
She was.  
  
Fleur wasn't.  
  
Harry snorted again.  
  
Lavender sniffed daintily.  
  
Ron made another noise.  
  
Later, back in the common room, Ron was pacing back and forth quickly. "So you see, it all comes down to Lockhart or Applebee or whatever he's calling himself these days. So I need to become irrational and extremely violent and try to get revenge on him." He turned back to Fred, George, Lee Jordan, Harry, Laera, Kupali, Amourial, Freya, Parvati, and Hermione who were looking at him worriedly. "You know, I rather like the restaurant Applebee's, shame Lockhart had to take its name..."  
  
"He didn't," said Hermione.  
  
"Shut up," said Ron.  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Why shouldn't you?"  
  
"Am I supposed to understand anything you're saying?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Sentence. One love."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?"  
  
Hermione smiled innocently. "It's a Muggle game called Questions, not unlike what they do on Who's Line Is It Anyway? which is a Muggle show."  
  
Ron glared at her. "I don't give a rat's arse about Muggle games. Right now I want to get revenge."  
  
Fred and George exchanged proud glances and turned back to Ron.  
  
"So, my young fellow, what do you plan on doing?" asked Fred as George looked lovingly at the cannabis sample he had stolen from the Herbology class. Ron's eyes glinted maliciously, then his face drained of color again. "SHIT! FUCK! DAMN! BLOODY HELL! RAT'S ARSE!" Everyone looked at him questionably. "Er...come again?" said Freya. "Well now Snape's gone so I don't have anywhere to go to get anything to plan the sweetest revenge ever!"  
  
Now it was Kupali's turn for her eyes to glint maliciously, but her face didn't drain.  
  
"I think that you may be able to get someone to do it for you, and it may be the sweetest revenge ever!" she announced.  
  
Ron turned toward her expectantly. "Yeeeeeess...?"  
  
"Well, from what I've heard you used one on my boyfriend, right?" she said. Ron grinned as he thought of Leaky and Draco. They had been a great match, but it was far from him to tell Kupali that. "Yes..." said Ron slowly. "Well, tell Draco that Marmaduke was shamelessly flirting with me. Then he'll do something using dark magic to get rid of Professor Applejuice. And there's no denying he won't, what with his family's background." she said, smiling coyly.  
  
Fred's mouth dropped. George's mouth dropped. Lee Jordan's mouth dropped. Ron smiled. "Say Kupali? When you break up with Malfoy, will you go out with me?" he said. She smiled back. "No." "Oh well," he said, the smile still plastered on his face. "It was worth a shot." "So is my idea," said Kupali, still smiling right back at him. "I second that!" said Fred. "I third that!" said George. "Dammit, it sounds kind of weird, but I SO fourth that!" said Lee Jordan. Ron's eyes glinted maliciously again and an evil grin crept onto his face. "Let the games begin..."  
  
It was bright outside, the rays of sunlight reflecting off of the frozen snow. Everyone who looked outside felt as if they had attained Nirvana, with the bright colors reflecting off the surface of the icy ground.  
  
Except Draco Malfoy and his lackeys, Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
However for Ron Weasley, it glinted brighter and more brilliantly than ever. He let it all sink in, until, as planned, he was accosted by Malfoy and his bodyguards.  
  
"So, Weasley, Potter tells me that you found something out about my girlfriend. And don't tell me that she has a dick because I already checked. So, what is it?" Ron gulped visibly. "I-I don't think you really want to know..." he said uncertainly. Draco snapped his fingers and Crabbe and Goyle pinned Ron against the wall, their gruesome smelling breath nauseating him. "We-well...she was..." Suddenly he pointed at something behind Draco. He whirled around.  
  
There was Kupali, shamelessly flirting with Gilderoy Lockhart/Marmaduke Applejuice the 324th.  
  
Wrath pulsed madly through Draco's veins. Cold fury covered his pale face, and his eyes seemed to glow red. He clenched his fists and bared his teeth. He was ready to rip limb after limb off of Lockhart/Applejuice's body and throw them off the window, coloring the snow red, but he was held back by Ron, who was starting to grin maniacally.  
  
"Can't hold on to a girl long, can you Malfoy?" he asked sardonically, and Draco whirled around, directing his anger towards him. "WHAT?" he said through clenched teeth. "First Pansy leaves you for a guy with big feet after a leaky leprechaun hits on you, and now Kupali is being stalked by the teacher who won the Witch Weekly's smile award...how many times in a row?" Ron chuckled. "If I were you, I'd hunt him down, use some of the infamous dark magic your family possesses, get him the hell out of here.  
  
"Or," he added as an afterthought, "You could sit back and let him steal your girl. Which seems to be your thing, eh ol' chap?"  
  
Draco responded in a metallic voice. "I'll get her back Weasley so bad it'll be way over your ugly head. And you'll never figure out how I did it, and neither will your prying father." Ron's smile tightened.  
  
His father worked for the Ministry of Magic, and he was always trying to find a way to reveal how dark the Malfoy family really was.  
  
Ron tried to shrug off Malfoy's comment and cover up how angry he had quickly become. "Well, Malfoy, I don't believe that you'll be able to do anything, since your lackeys are going home for Christmas Break. But ah well. You must be so used to losing girls, you must be immune to it all now. Well, good day, boys," he said as he pushed aside Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
Draco breathed in and out in short breaths. "I'll show him...and all his bitchy little friends..." he pushed Crabbe and Goyle aside and stalked up silently to the Slytherin common room.  
  
The next day, most of the students set off on the Hogwarts Express to return to their homes for the Christmas Break. However, Ron and the posse sat in the Potions room wearing Harry's, Laera's, Freya's, Lee Jordan's, and Kupali's invisibility cloaks, waiting to see the showdown between Malfoy and Applejuice/Lockhart. But nothing happened, so they just got a lot of stiff joints.  
  
However, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Especially for Ron. Draco was in the Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom, flirting with Professor Delacour. Her silvery hair was perfumed and brushed to the max, making Draco begin to wonder why he didn't just get rid of Kupali and run away with Fleur. But after seeing the huge diamond glinting on her finger he remembered why. Then he saw the time, and he realized he was due back at the common room to gripe. So he cordially bid Fleur adieu since she was from France, and went up to his common room, to change his plans and instead figure out how to off Professor Applejuice/Lockhart.  
  
The next morning at breakfast, the students still at Hogwarts shared one table. Suddenly, much to Ron's repulsion, he had become one of Malfoy's closest confidantes. "So Weasley," he whispered to him over breakfast in such a friendly tone that Ron almost spit his food out all over the table, "Have you seen my girlfriend? She usually sits with your posse, doesn't she?" Ron struggled to swallow and succeeded. "Mgrph...yeah, I don't know where she is. And do you know where Lockhart is?" he asked. Draco's white face flushed red and he clenched his fists again. "Hmmm...no..." he said as controlled as he could. "WEASLEY!" he said sharply, making Ron jump. "Ya?" Ron said, trying to finish his breakfast before he would need to spit it out. "Your nas-wonderful friend Potter has his invisibility cloak still, right?" Ron didn't like where this conversation was going, although he did enjoy remembering how much he and Harry had embarrassed Draco one time. "Ya..." he said with a little trepidation. "Well if you want to stay in my favor, will you go find my girlfriend? Or I can just dish out a little to you of what I'm preparing for Lockhart..." Ron quickly finished wolfing down his food. He knew exactly where Kupali would be, but he just wanted to finish his food and then get her here. Or... "Okay, that's fine, but why don't you come with me? She may be wearing her invisibility cloak and we'd need to use some magic that I don't know to find her." Draco considered this, then nodded. "Okay. Let's go then," he said as he stood up and stepped over the bench. "Come on Weasley," he said as Ron finished his food. The walked off towards the Gryffindor common room, everyone looking at them very curiously.  
  
Ron and Draco crept into the Potions room silently, and stationed themselves next to Lockhart's personal cauldron, which was bright gold with little angels on it. Draco smiled and finished chewing something, then spit the tobacco into the cauldron, making a pleasant ringing noise.  
  
Suddenly, several things happened at once. Lockhart and Kupali stumbled into the room, with both their blonde heads a mess and looking very sweaty, Draco jumped up and uttered "Sclatoni Macaroni!", little pieces of macaroni from the Sclatoni line jumped out of Lockhart's drawer and started chasing him, saying "DADDY! DADDY!", Draco swept Kupali into his arms, Ron sat laughing like a hyena with Fred, George, and Lee Jordan, Lockhart started crying and running away from the macaroni, and Snape walked through the door.  
  
Everyone jumped under invisibility cloaks just in time, except Lockhart, who was running around, still bawling, while the macaroni kept crying for him, who they believed to be their daddy. Behind Snape was Dumbledore, who looked extremely bewildered.  
  
Snape was foaming at the mouth with anger, but Dumbledore held him back as best he could. "Marmaduke, what is going on here?" Albus Dumbledore asked. "Meme, heme, sheme, feme, deme, jeme...WEAHEHEARG!" he responded. Snape's eyes narrowed and fixed his famous look of hatred on him. "I believe that you and your children are found out, Professor Gilderoy LOCKHART!" Snape snarled at him.  
  
Suddenly, Professor Applejuice stopped running around. "Why-why-why that's it! That's who I am! I'm famous! I'm marveled! I'm-I'm-" "Actually, you're a mentally deranged father of macaroni who is going to be delivered to an insane asylum NOW." Snape spat, as Dumbledore snapped his fingers and some wizards in white robes ran in with a strait-jacket and a stretcher. Professor Applejuice/Lockhart was fitted with it and the macaroni waved him off, praying to the great Sclatoni that their daddy's mind would be saved. However, they stopped praying as they were dragged off to Pete's Pizza II where they were to be eaten.  
  
Snape and Dumbledore followed the asylum wizards, until the room was empty, except for Ron, Draco, and the posse who had been wearing invisibility cloaks too.  
  
Ron, Fred, George, and Lee Jordan bowed their heads. "See, this is what happens when you have unprotected sex," Fred said in conclusion. "You wind up having macaroni as kids." George bowed down low, hands clasped together. "Amen," he said. Lee Jordan stood up, arms raised towards the heavens, saying "O Sclatoni! Save the souls of the promiscuous Professor Applejuice and his deformed children!" Ron just snorted and rolled around on the floor in sheer joy.  
  
Draco was embracing Kupali, who looked slightly abashed after tricking him so much to help her friends, and knew she'd have a lot to lie about when Draco said "Those weren't your kids, were they?" "Oh no. No. Nope. Oh no." she said quickly. "Oh good," said Draco. "So it was my spell that did it...although I thought it was supposed to be the Barilla brand..."  
  
Suddenly, Fleur came running in to Ron. She swept him up and hugged and kissed him. He looked confused, but nonetheless happy.  
  
"I'm not getting married to zis Roger!" she said. Ron's mouth dropped and he stood there, happier than ever. "Inztead, moi iz getting married to Profezzor Applejuice! Isn't zat great?"  
  
"FUCK!" said Ron before he hit the floor in a dead faint. " Does he dizlike him?" Fleur asked confusedly as she turned to the rest of the group. "You could say that," said Harry lightly. 


End file.
